just one word-
insecure.
I hate it. I hate insecurity. I hate being insecure. I hate what it does to me. I hate how in an instant it can take over. I hate how I am the daughter of the Most High yet I doubt. I covet. I lack.
BECAUSE I AM NOT FULLY SECURE IN WHO I AM IN CHRIST.
this breaks my heart. I can only imagine how heartbreaking this is to Him.
going through Beth Moore's book So Long, Insecurity- I am learning. He is changing me.
so what is insecurity? Beth Moore describes insecurity in two ways-
in·se·cure
adj \ˌin-si-ˈkyu̇r\1. profound sense of self-doubt- a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world. associated with chronic self-consciousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about our relationships.
2. harbors unrealistic expectations about love and relationships. These expectations, for themselves and others, are often unconscious. creates a situation in which being disappointed and hurt in relationships is almost inevitable.
ouch. does any of this sound familiar? it stung a little to first read through these- because they are true.
my struggle comes in with number two. "unrealistic expectations about love and relationships." enough said.
A huge part of changing my insecurity problem starts by finding what gives me security. if the answer to this is not Jesus Christ- we have ourself an insecurity problem on our hands.
the biggest insecurity I have is this- the uncertainty of being pursued and the desire to be. I think since I am "growing up", moving to college- expectations come along with it. College is one step closer to being married. (no- I am not that girl who is majoring in my MRS. I promise that finding a husband is NOT my goal in college. this is a result of change- this is a result of growing up).
for whatever reason, this desire to be pursued by a Godly guy has become a big insecurity for me. mainly because this is what my heart desires- but it isn't happening. so I am called to wait. and be patient. and pray. and this is what I will do. keeping faith. always.
last night- this insecurity was highlighted by a certain situation and I literally was nonfunctional. I couldn't act like a normal person. I was so vulnerable and aware of this insecurity that I couldn't even answer a simple question- "do you want an oreo milkshake?" did I mention how much I hate insecurity?
once I was home, I literally just ran to my Heavenly Father. As always, He was there- waiting. listening. holding. soothing. and directing.
after our heart to heart- He reminded me of this 8 year old girl who was completely lost. He reminded me of His pursuit of saving her. of drawing her to Himself. His pursuit of calling her out of the darkness and into the light. His pursuit of sanctifying her.
when I was reminded of this Great Pursuit- I was in awe. I have been pursued by my Savior. at the end of the day, this is all I need. my Savior. my Heavenly Pursuit.
see how my insecurity about not being pursued effected my relationship with Christ? insecurity in any shape or form will always, always slight who Christ is.
I have not "rewired my security system" fully- but I am on the pursuit to and boy am I determined to- through God's strength and His strength only.
thankfully, He is GREATER. I always find comfort in this. God, You are greater than my insecurity. You are greater than my weakness. you are greater. you are greater.
we sing. to the Father of us all. REDEEMED. a child of ruin called. you CHOSE my name and adopted into grace, you forgave.
When I felt secure, I said, "I will never be shaken." O Lord, when you favored me, you made my mountain stand firm; but when you hid your face, I was dismayed. Psalm 30:6-7
may He be the only source of our security. for He is the only One who can fully secure.
bless
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