tonight as i began to pack up my room, i found myself remembering all that the Lord has done in and through me this year. as i got ready to go to sleep, my mind was swirling with the ways i have seen my Father's hand, and more importantly His face. i have seen Him through the brokenness, the pruning, the healing, and the redemption. He is faithful.
as i pulled my blog up for the first time in a while, i began to realize i have 7 blog post drafts archived- ones that i had began to write but didn't want to finish.
so here's the blog post i have been putting off for almost a year.
the last time we met, i was about to go off to camp for the summer. it is so crazy to me to look back on that time and remember who i was a year ago. praise Jesus i am not the same. i went into camp nervous, unsure and fearful. little did i know that i would spend the next three months at camp feeling and living under the spirit of slavery. my people pleasing and approval seeking tendency came out on the surface for all to see.
my time at camp was one of severe pruning and true suffering. i feel like this statement may sound dramatic but i believe this is a true picture of my summer.
one picture that the Lord continued to bring to my mind over camp was the picture of silver. in order to purify silver so that it is whole and without blemishes, you have to melt it. you have to put it through fire. while it is in the fire, all of the dirt, scratches, and impurities are removed. when it comes out of the fire- ah ha! it is new. this is what Jesus was doing to my heart this summer. melting my heart- putting it through the fire- so that all the impurities of my heart would be removed.
although there were times this summer when i felt like i was being severely burned (both spiritually and physically... Texas summer is forreal), the Lord constantly reminded me of His word:
fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
when you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm
you. when you walk through the fire you shall
not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God. {isaiah 43: 1-2}
although each morning at camp brought a new testing of faith, He was bringing me just a step closer to Himself. it was hard and it was painful and i left with scars that needed healing, but i can fully say "it is well with my soul."
coming home was so wonderful and exciting and i was ushered into a new semester by family and friends and many hugs and prayers. little did i know what laid ahead of me. as i moved back to tuscaloosa (only 2 days before school started), reality hit hard. i was exhausted. i was dry. and i was broken. as i began to have reunions with sweet friends, i immediately began to deflect everyone's question: "how was camp?"
how was camp? where do i even began answering this question? do you have 5 hours for me to answer this question?
my response? "it was good! hard, but good!" and then i would quickly change the subject so that they wouldn't ask me anymore questions about my summer. i was determined to leave camp in the past and never look back. i wanted to move on as if camp never even happened.
thank you Jesus for community and for friends and for family! it is here where i began to expose my wounds and tell my story of how my summer really was. as heartbreaking as it was to relive, each time i talked about camp, i began to receive healing. i began to be freed from the name i had: slave. this was not an overnight process but a daily, weekly, monthly process over this year where i began to sift and remember the things i had learned: the good and the bad. remembering is not always easy, but it is vital for healing. it is vital for redemption. and it is vital for worship.
this summer i took on the identity of a slave because i believed i had to work for God's (and man's) approval and i had to work to be accepted. little did i know that as a daughter, i live from my identity and not for it.
romans 8 does a better job explaining than i can:
for you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear
but you, my daughter, have received the spirit of adoption by
whom we cry, "Abba! Father!"
this summer i experienced an identity crisis because when my circumstances got hard, my view of God got smaller and smaller. i forgot to remember and believe in the God who is both holy and loving; both wrathful and forgiving; both King and shepherd; both master and loving Father. His character does not change just because my circumstances do.
i think this is why i love the book of exodus so much. although i read it and think how silly the israelites are, i began to realize that i am an israelite. so here's their, our, story: they are enslaved to pharaoh and God sends delivery though Moses and they doubt; they see God's protection and provision each time a new plague comes to hit their land and they question; they are covered by the blood of the lamb and they forget; they see God change pharaoh's heart so that they may live in freedom and they want to go back into slavery. as they begin their journey to a new place as the family of God, they come across a sea. a big sea. and pharaoh's army is close behind. at the first sight of trouble, their first instinct is to fear, doubt, and complain. oh may i not let the circumstances that are set before me blind me from the faithfulness of my God. may i rest in knowing that even when i can't see His hand, i can fully trust His heart.
i began to see how this summer i viewed God as a "hard man, reaping where you did not sow and gathering where you scattered no seed, so i was afraid and i went and i hid your talent in the ground. here you have what is yours." {matthew 25:24} instead of using the talents He gave me to multiple and grow like the other servants in this parable did, i didn't trust God's character so i did what He asked of me to do and nothing more.
God is redeeming my story and my identity as i remember that "He disciplines us for our good, that we may share His holiness. for the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant (amen), but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it" {hebrews 12:11}
my God is a good and loving Father. He only wants the best for His children, even if His best for us is suffering or a trial or pruning it is so that we may be glorified with Him. how loving of a God is He that He wants to share His glory with us? He does it because "God is treating you as sons" {hebrews 12:7} , not because He is mad or repaying us back for something we did
the Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love.
He does not deal with us according to our sins nor repay us according to our
iniquities. for as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His steadfast
love towards those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does
He remove our transgressions from us. as a Father shows compassion on His children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear Him. for He knows our frame, He
remembers that we are dust. {psalm 103:10-14}
how cool is it that the Lord wants us to know Him fully. not just as a mean God of wrath but one that is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He is redeeming the old and making way for the new. in Christ, i am a new creation. thank you Lord for the fire because through it, we are not burned. thank you for loving me enough to discipline me for it is a natural outcome of my identity.
take heart that your circumstances do not define your God. He does not change nor grow tired or weary even when we do. He is faithful when we are not. His steadfast love is from everlasting to everlasting.
remember that He calls us by name before He speaks direction.
rest in and receive your identity. it is fully approved by the cross.
bless the Lord!
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